unburden | it's everything you want to be

Working retail through the holidays is stressful. There's a lot more work and panic and crowds involved than Rukia ever expected for there to be in her job, working in that little toy store hidden away in the corner of the town mall. Truth be told, she loves every minute of it, seeing the bright smiles on children's faces and the frazzled looks that the parents wear — she loves it, because she knows that everyone shopping there is hoping to earn a smile at the end of the day, to make someone happy this holiday season.

She can certainly grin to that.

There's a benefit to being small, as well. She can slip between people with great ease, for one, and somehow parents are also more inclined to take their advice when talking about young kids. She has an eye for the cute toys, for the ones on the cusp of being fads, and so the commission money has hiked a bit recently for her in the boutique, leaving her with more cash to use when buying her own holiday presents.

That's where she is today, stepping around the mall and peeking into windows, wondering how much her friends care, and wondering as well whether or not she even has time to deliver them all. She's just not used to celebrating Christmas.

But she figures, no one will mind if she hands things out for New Year. Right?

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"Look after how?" Andrea asks, intrigued by that response. At the end of the day, she prefers to deal with her problems on her own, but the idea of Rukia needing to look after something like this is interesting to her and she's curious to see what she might do or how it would be something she'd deal with. And why.

And she agrees with what Rukia's said initially, about submission sometimes being the issue, but she doesn't know how to change that or what else to say about it. One day, she'll have to visit why it makes her uncomfortable, but she's not ready for that yet.

"Removing people forcefully, if I have to," Rukia says, feeling something twist in her chest at the words. She doesn't mean to be harsh, she doesn't mean to be threatening, but back home, sometimes it was necessary to put an end to even the most well-meaning situations. She thinks of the Quincy massacre, and some part of her understands, however much she wonders whether or not it really was the best choice.

"In my world, it was my job to protect living people more than anything else. The undead, or people like me, we're... valuable only in that we do our job and help maintain balance," she adds with a pause.

"People like you?" Andrea echoes. More than anything else Rukia has said, that sticks out and she glances over at her curiously. What happened to her world before has changed what she thinks of a lot of things, it's changed the way she sees a good chunk of the world and it makes it a lot easier for her to accept the things she's been told since arriving in Darrow.

Still, that isn't the sort of thing she expected to hear from Rukia.

It's more than that, though. It's the idea of someone being only as valuable as what they can do for the rest of the world.

While the nature of her existence isn't one that Rukia wants to share with everyone, there are a couple of important things to bear in mind this time — first, that Andrea has always been trustworthy. Second, that Rukia's pretty sure Andrea will believe her, if she's already consorting with vampires and the culture that surrounds them.

Again, she shifts the bag in her arms, taking a careful, hidden breath.

"I'm a reaper," she says, tilting her head. "When I say that I've been around a lot of death, it's because... well, that's my job. I guide the souls of the deceased and help them find the afterlife. I, myself, died many years ago."

Until this moment she hasn't been aware of it, but Andrea realizes she's surrounded herself with people who have already died. Briefly, she wonders if it's something she's done on purpose, subconsciously seeking them out, feeling safer with people who've gone through it once already.

Rick's theory about being cursed was ridiculous, but she has to acknowledge how many of her loved ones are gone now. She has to accept that maybe she's done this on purpose.

"A reaper," she says. "You know, in the world I come from, that's the sort of image that usually terrifies people, but I never thought of it like that. I always thought... well, it sounds comforting. Having someone there to guide you."

"Many people where I'm from assume the same," she says, looking forward with a slight, sheepish smile. "There are people who expect us to be monsters, spirits... almost no one expects for us to look more or less human. No one expects for us to have been human at one point." Rukia glances over with a slightly amused shrug.

"But keeping death a mystery is probably better than not."

Turning to face forward again, Rukia bites down briefly on her lower lip. "Anyway, normally, people shouldn't be able to see me. But I have a... synthetic body, I guess you could say? It's pretty realistic, but this isn't the body I was born in or anything," she says, one hand releasing her bag for Rukia to poke briefly at her cheek, showing off the human-like give. "When I'm not wearing this, only those who have died or the very spiritually attuned who can see me."

"So not me then," Andrea says with a bit of a smile, because if she knows anything about herself, it's that she's still alive and she's never been very spiritually attuned. Gabriel, she thinks, might have been able to see Rukia.

Or Dale, if he'd been here.

She pauses, not knowing if her next question is the sort of thing that's okay to ask, but if it isn't, she expects Rukia will tell her. "How did you die?" she asks. "If that's... if I'm allowed to ask that."

"Probably not," Rukia admits with a tilt of her head, glancing over Andrea and trying to see if she can sense any amount of spiritual power emanating from her soul, but as far as Rukia can tell, Andrea's entirely human. Most people are, otherwise the system simply wouldn't work at all.

She shrugs at the question, offering a small, reassuring smile. "Don't be afraid to ask about death; when you work around it for so long, when you know that it's all really a cycle, it's not a topic that we're afraid to discuss." It's when souls are destroyed that becomes another matter, Rukia thinks, but she'd rather not discuss that. "I don't remember how I died, though. I was only a baby when I did, and... the only thing I vaguely remember is feeling cold, aside from some warmth around me."

"Jesus," Andrea murmurs, even though Rukia's told her not to be afraid to ask about it. The idea of someone dying as a baby -- someone she knows -- it just hits close to home and makes her think of Ben and Billy. Of Judith, dying with Lori on the ground in that prison yard.

Maybe it's naive of her, but she finds herself wildly hoping that someone like Rukia was there for them. To guide them wherever they needed to go. To make them feel less afraid, less sad about having to leave.

"Sorry," she says. "I'm sorry, it's just a friend's baby died not long before I came here."

"No, don't apologize," Rukia says, shaking her head, although her gaze briefly slices to the side. She's not sure whether or not she should put a voice to all of it — the fact that life was perilously dangerous for her after death, that she was dropped in one of the poorest districts of Rukongai with no way out. The fact that she survived as much through luck as anything else, and that there was no heaven in any of it.

Life after death was... well, just as hard as it would have ever been if she stayed alive, Rukia thinks.

"Death can be hard," she says, nodding. "Especially when you know that it was undeserved. Unreasonably soon. But there is something that comes after, I can promise that."

That gets a soft smile out of Andrea finally and she shakes her head, although her smile is grateful. "I'm okay with not knowing," she admits, though it is nice to hear that there's something, that Judith and Lori might have found Amy and Dale. That there's something there for them, even if they're no longer here. It makes it a little easier to deal with the fact that they're gone.

A moment later, she laughs and says, "This isn't the conversation I expected to have today." That doesn't mean it's unwelcome and there's a part of her that's deeply grateful for it. Her friendship with Rukia is significantly different from those she has with most other people in this city and she appreciates the honesty.

"I don't think most people expect to have a conversation about death," Rukia laughs in return, shaking her head. "And I'm not exactly wearing it all over me. But... I'm glad that we could have this conversation. And I'm really glad that you're okay with what I am — I don't get to share that with a lot of people here, so it's nice. It's nice to have friends who know."

Smiling, she ducks her head bashfully as they continue walking forward.

It's odd, finding things here that remind her a little bit more of home.

it's everything you want to be

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